This week brings the final episode in a series of discussions on setting boundaries. Pulling from Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, this week's discussion centers on the following:

- 6 areas where setting boundaries is necessary
- 3 steps to set healthy boundaries
-What to do after setting boundaries
-How to manage people's reactions to your boundaries

Order Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab

Nedra Tawwab's Instagram: @nedratawwab

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Transcript:

Alyssa Scolari:

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast, the full episode this week. I'm your host Alyssa Scolari, and I am so happy to be here for a full episode. If you listened to the mini episode that I put out last week, well, it wasn't even an episode. It was just a brief announcement. My husband and I have been recovering from COVID. We both went all this time without getting it, and then we went to a wedding. One of our really good friends got married, and the wedding was so much fun. But the next day, part of the wedding party had woken up and tested positive for COVID. And then a few days after, David tested positive for COVID, and then I tested positive.

Alyssa Scolari:

So it was not fun. I will say I am very glad that I have had the privilege of being both vaccinated and boosted, because I do not want to know what COVID would've looked like if I did not have the vaccine. It wasn't scary, but it was almost just like, "Whoa. I can't believe this feels this bad even with the vaccine." It felt like the flu. Thankfully, neither of us had to go to the hospital. Neither of us had any issues with breathing or anything like that. And we are both on the mend.

Alyssa Scolari:

Today is actually one of the first days that I have my voice back. And my voice might sound a little bit off. I don't know. It doesn't to me. But I had lost my voice and couldn't really work or do anything. So it's been a little relaxing, but also boring, but also just irritating being sick when it was Memorial Day weekend and then it was a really beautiful summer weather. And there was just so many things we wanted to do. And we were supposed to have a house warming party with all of our friends, and we had to cancel that. And it's just been a bummer.

Alyssa Scolari:

But again, I'm just very happy to be healthy and I'm very thankful that we are both on the mend. So thank you for bearing with me. There was no way I was going to be able to put out an episode, because I was just feverish and had no voice. But we are back with another part, well, another episode on boundaries. So it's like a three part series or a three episode series. I am fairly certain this will be the last one. We're going to see how much we get into today.

Alyssa Scolari:

But if you have not listened to the other two episodes, you can go back and listen. We are talking about boundaries. And a lot of the information that I am sharing today is going to be based off of Nedra Tawwab's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. And that is the same book that I used in the previous two episodes. Boundaries, as I've said before and I'll say it again, I believe, are the most important tool for not just healing from trauma, but for honestly just existing and living a peaceful life.

Alyssa Scolari:

That's more of a personal belief. I think a lot of people would agree with me, honestly. So we're talking about it, because as important as they are, it's also incredibly difficult for us to set them.

Alyssa Scolari:

So in the first episode that we did about boundaries, we talked a lot about what are they and why are they so important and what types of boundaries exist out there. And then in the second episode, so the episode that went out two weeks ago, we talked about why it is so difficult for us to set boundaries and how we can look past that, how we can push past our fears and our anxieties that come up around setting boundaries.

Alyssa Scolari:

Today, we are going to get a little bit more into the nitty gritty of how specifically do I do this with the people in my life. All right. So let's get right into it.

Alyssa Scolari:

So in the first episode that we did, we talked about how there are three different types of boundaries, right? There's rigid, porous, and healthy. Well, in addition to that, there are six different areas in life where it's very important to be able to set boundaries, right?

Alyssa Scolari:

Now, number one, and this is going to come as no surprise to many people, it's important to set sexual boundaries. That is very important. Now, of course, I should note this. You cannot set sexual boundaries where there is a crime occurring. So a child cannot set a sexual boundary with an adult when there is sexual assault or rape going on or child sexual abuse.

Alyssa Scolari:

That is not what we are talking about. We are talking about consensual sex. Boundaries are important. Being able to communicate with your partner or partners what you do, like, what you don't like, or even just saying, "No, thank you. I am not in the mood to have sex right now," or even just being able to ask the other person, "Can you tell me what you like? Do you like it when I do this?," right? That is a discussion of, "Hey, what are your boundaries, so that I know what they are, so that I don't cross them?" So sexual boundaries.

Alyssa Scolari:

Then there are time boundaries. So this is, I think, a huge one for so many people, right? Classic example is the person who is constantly picking up the phone for everybody else, but then, at the end of the day, has no time left over for themselves. Time boundaries.

Alyssa Scolari:

And then physical boundaries. This, I often think of as even public displays of affections. Some people don't mind. Some people hate it. I'm not a huge PDA person. I don't particularly enjoy it, right? So let's say you're in a relationship with a partner who is always kissing you in front of everyone and always wants to rub your back. It's very important to be able to set those boundaries and say, "Please do not rub my back in public. It makes me uncomfortable."

Alyssa Scolari:

And other physical boundaries can also just be, even when it comes to children, right, for allowing your child to say when they want to hug somebody and when they don't. Or even as adults, there are times where I will see the same group of friends, and I love them, but I might not necessarily be in the mood for hugging or physical touch. So sometimes, I will hug everybody in the room. Sometimes, I will not. And it's okay. Nobody really bats an eyelash either way, because everybody is cool with respecting one another's boundaries. So those are physical boundaries.

Alyssa Scolari:

We have sexual, time, physical, and then we have intellectual boundaries. Intellectual boundaries, this can be a little bit more complex. But the best way I can put it is by giving examples. So an intellectual boundary can be crossed with a child if an adult is having an inappropriate conversation with a child, right? If a young child is learning about something sexual before they are ready to hear that, or even in the case of oversharing, right? If parents are fighting and the one parent turns the child and starts venting to the child about the other parent, that is crossing an intellectual boundary.

Alyssa Scolari:

Now, between adults, this can look a little bit differently. So this can look like belittling people for what their beliefs are, mocking people for their beliefs. I've seen a lot of people mock Christianity. And while I personally do believe that parts of Christianity can be harmful depending on the interpretation of the Bible, because everybody interprets the Bible differently, that's an episode for another time. But a lot of people mock Christianity and they mock Christians, and that can be an intellectual boundary. Or I've seen it reversed. I've seen people who are Christian mock people who have no belief. A lot of people like to mock people who are Jewish. They belittle their faith.

Alyssa Scolari:

So it happens across the board. Whether you believe in something don't believe in something, no matter what religion you are, this happens. And that is an intellectual boundary violation, as is when people will shut down over disagreements. So let's say that you're in a disagreement with somebody, and let's say you're in a little disagreement over what restaurant you want to go to. And the one person's like, "Oh, I want to go to Applebee's." And the other person's like, "Well, I want to go to Wendy's." And you talk for a little while and you decide, "All right, we're going to Applebee's." Well, you get there and you sit down with the other person and they're completely quiet, and they're on their phone the whole time, and they're not looking at you, and they're making zero communication. They're just completely shut down. That is an example of an intellectual boundary violation. I am denying you the right to have communication with me, to have an intellectual discussion with me, because I'm mad at you. It's a passive aggressive boundary violation.

Alyssa Scolari:

So there are also emotional boundary violations where people can dismiss your feelings, or people will turn around and spill your secrets. You share something, you share the way you feel with somebody, and then they tell you they're not going to say anything, but then they go home and then they call their friend right away and they tell their friend. And before you know it, half the world knows your secret. Those are emotional boundary violations. Gossip is an emotional boundary violation, things like that.

Alyssa Scolari:

And then there are material boundary violations. So people going through your journal or destroying your property, or people borrowing your car and not filling it up with gas when they return it to you, or people using your kitchen and making an absolute mess that you have to go clean up, those are material violations. You holding something in your hand and somebody wants to see it, so they just snatch it out of your hand without asking you when that thing belongs to you, that is a material violation.

Alyssa Scolari:

So those are some of the categories. Well, those are the main categories that boundaries can fall into when it comes to setting them. So let's talk about what it means to set a boundary.

Alyssa Scolari:

In order to set a boundary, you have to have good communication. And there are four different ways that you can communicate. You can communicate passively, passive aggressively, aggressively, or assertively.

Alyssa Scolari:

Now, passive communication is you really don't say anything. What passive means is you sit on the feelings and you eat your own feelings and sit with them because you don't want those feelings to come out. So you just keep it to yourself and deal with it and don't say anything.

Alyssa Scolari:

Passive aggressive is when you do things to get the other person to notice that you are upset, or you try to deny the other person something. You harm the relationship without directly saying exactly what's wrong. We've talked about passive aggressive behaviors in the other two episodes, so we're not going to really get into examples. But I'm pretty sure we all know what passive aggressive behavior is. It's that person who is trying to communicate that something's wrong, but they'll never actually come out and say something's wrong. They will just act in different ways or say different things that let you know that there's an issue.

Alyssa Scolari:

And then there's aggressive communication, which can be threatening and can involve yelling or cursing, or it can even become physical.

Alyssa Scolari:

And then there's assertive. This, again, I'm sure is a no brainer. We want the assertive communication. Assertive communication, it's not passive, not passive aggressive. It's not aggressive. It is none of those things. But instead, it is clear, it is firm, and it is unapologetic, and it is also respectful. And that is something that I think people struggle with a lot when they're triggered. It's really, really hard to come across as assertive when they are upset or triggered. I know it is for me, which is why I think taking time, when you're getting ready to set a boundary with somebody, taking time, jotting down, what you want to say, thinking about it, maybe tweaking it a little bit, I think that that is helpful for me when I have to set a boundary, because if not, then my words can come out...

Alyssa Scolari:

I'm trying to think. I feel like I want to say I could be aggressive, not in a physical way, but probably in a verbal way, because all my emotions flood out of me. So assertive behavior is the way to go.

Alyssa Scolari:

So how do we do that? Step one is all about your tone and your use of language. So again, it is so important to have a neutral tone. You don't have to be super animated. And I think this is where I struggle, because I'm a little bit more animated. And sometimes, that can come off as aggressive or too much. It is so important to be neutral, but also very, very clear.

Alyssa Scolari:

And you don't want to have too much jargon. You want to be really, really concise. Some people, because they get so nervous when they're setting boundaries, they tend to just talk and talk and talk. And I absolutely used to do this, right? If somebody asked me if they could borrow my laptop and I didn't want them to, I would say, "Well, I spent a lot of money on this laptop. And in order for me to really feel comfortable giving it away, I have to know what you're going to be doing on it. How long are you going to need it for? If you're going to need it for more than 30 seconds, it's going to be really hard for me, because I have to do this and that." And I would just go on and on and on, as opposed to being straight to the point.

Alyssa Scolari:

And when you go on and on and you have too much jargon, people might not get it, or people are going to see loopholes. People are going to say, "Okay, well you said this. So if I do this, then can I have the laptop?" So you want to be concise. You want to cut the jargon. You want to have a neutral tone.

Alyssa Scolari:

And here's the other thing, and this is a hard one for some people. You don't want to say things like, "Maybe," "Kind of," "I don't know," right? This goes into step number two, right? And step number two is directly stating your need. So number one, being clear and neutral and concise. Number two is directly stating your need. And in doing both of those things, we really want to leave out the language that suggests that you could possibly change your mind. I really like to let people down easily. So I am famous for being like, "I don't really think so," or "Not at this time," or, "Unfortunately, it doesn't look like we'll be able to go, or, "Maybe not now. Maybe some other time. I am famous for that, because I don't want to sound mean by setting a boundary.

Alyssa Scolari:

But here's the thing that I need to remember and that you need to remember, and that is that setting boundaries, it's not a mean thing at all. It is a way to give you the peaceful and happy life that you want. And if somebody can't respect your boundaries, that is a sign that you needed to set those boundaries in the first place.

Alyssa Scolari:

So I have really been practicing on this one. And I set a boundary with a family member a few months ago. They asked me to go somewhere, and I didn't want to go. I didn't feel comfortable. I didn't feel safe going. And so normally. I would feel the need to be like, "Oh, well, we have plans and we can't go because blah, blah, blah." But instead, I directly said, "Thank you for the offer. We can't make it. Have a good time."

Alyssa Scolari:

Now, this person did not respect my boundary in the slightest. And this person said some pretty nasty stuff back. But it doesn't matter, because I did what I needed to do to keep myself safe. And quite frankly, this person reacting the way they did was really no surprise, because I needed to set that boundary a long time ago.

Alyssa Scolari:

So let's go into a few more examples. How about somebody, the person in your family who's constantly talking about weight and in front of you, right? You go out to dinner with somebody and they're like, "Oh, I got to get back to it tomorrow. And Monday, I'm going to step on the scale again." You can say something like, "I feel uncomfortable when you talk about weight. Please stop."

Alyssa Scolari:

Let's say you have a roommate or a friend or even a child who borrows your car, and they come back and they never have the tank filled up. You can say, "I need you to fill my car up with gas after you use it." That's it. You're not even asking, right? You don't even want to ask, because then you give people the option of saying no. Some people will try to set boundaries by being like ... And by some people, I totally mean me, right? Some people will be like, "Oh, well, do you think that you could please fill up my car with gas?" You give them the option to say no. There should not be an option to say no when it comes to you setting a boundary for yourself. You are directly stating your need or your request, or you're directly saying no.

Alyssa Scolari:

So again, this might sound harsh, especially for those of us who struggle with setting these, but these tools are life saving. And you have to remember and tell yourself over and over and over again that you are not being mean.

Alyssa Scolari:

Let's say you have a family member who loves to talk. Let's say your mom. Let's say your mom. Let's say you have a brother, and your mom loves to talk to you and gossip to you about your brother. Your mom's always complaining about your brother, your brother this, your brother that, "Your brother never comes around anymore. I haven't seen your brother in weeks," things like that. And you don't want to hear it anymore. All you have to say is, "Mom, I really don't like it when you talk to me about my brother. Please stop." And that's it. That is it. You are not at all being mean when you say those things.

Alyssa Scolari:

The biggest fear here, when you make a request, when you say no, when you state a need, the biggest fear is in how people are going to respond, which is why step three is dealing with the emotions that come after setting the boundary, whether that be guilt, whether that be anxiety, whether that be fear or awkwardness or discomfort.

Alyssa Scolari:

And Nedra makes a really good point in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. She makes a really good point of saying, "It's almost impossible to set boundaries without guilt, because we live in a society that has just set us up to feel like we need to give of ourselves all the time, because when we give of ourselves, we have nothing left over for us. And therefore we get sicker, and therefore this world profits off of us. So it really is like a win-win situation for the world that we live in for us to not have boundaries."

Alyssa Scolari:

So in a society that teaches us that boundaries are mean, it's not really likely that you're going to be able to set them without guilt. I have yet to set a boundary without feeling some level of guilt, and I always have to work through it. Guilt, awkwardness, fear, discomfort, it's so important to work through that. And how do you do that? By telling yourself a lot of what we're talking about, by reminding yourself of what we are talking about here today.

Alyssa Scolari:

Another thing that really helps for me is to talk to my therapist about it, because my therapist is really good at reassuring me. So talk, if it's not to your therapist, talk to somebody else who really understands boundaries and who gets it. But for the love of God, please don't talk to somebody who isn't good with boundaries, because if you do that, you're only going to feel worse. I would make the mistake all the time of talking to somebody.

Alyssa Scolari:

I would set a boundary with somebody, and I'd feel really guilty. So I'd pick up the phone and call somebody who also was terrible at setting boundaries. And then they would be like, "Oh, well, why did you do that? That sounded a little bit mean." And then I would feel horrible and I would backtrack in my boundary setting.

Alyssa Scolari:

So think about if it's bringing stuff up from childhood. Talk to your therapist about it. Ask yourself, "What does this mean about me? Where is this coming from? Did I get yelled at when I was younger for setting boundaries? Was I allowed to have boundaries when I was younger?" For a lot of us, this boundary work is childhood trauma recovery, because a lot of us wouldn't know a boundary if we fell over it when we were younger. The majority of us have had our boundaries violated over and over again as children. So it's so important to seek support when you are setting boundaries.

Alyssa Scolari:

If the boundary ruins the relationship, I hate to say this, but the relationship was doomed anyway. It really was. I have set so many boundaries, especially this past year. And in some cases, those boundaries have worked out just fine and I've gotten through it. And in other cases, those boundaries ruined the relationship. And you know what? I'm not even surprised, because that relationship was doomed anyway. The important thing is to not assume that it's your fault.

Alyssa Scolari:

But here's the thing. Don't assume that people in general aren't going to honor your boundaries. Go into this with the attitude that, "Why wouldn't people respect my boundaries?" Assume people are going to honor your boundaries and act normally, because when you start assuming people are going to behave weirdly, then you almost set yourself up for another self-fulfilling prophecy. And we've talked about self-fulfilling prophecies in a previous episode. You set yourself up to then you almost end up making the situation uncomfortable, because you think it's going to be awkward. So then you bring a level of awkwardness to it. So then it is awkward.

Alyssa Scolari:

So don't go into it assuming anything. If anything, try to go into setting boundaries completely detached from how people are going to react. Try to detach yourself. Try to not take any kind of responsibility or even give a whole lot of energy to people's reactions, because if you do keep giving energy to it, it's going to make you not want to set the boundary. And then it's going to just keep you in a relationship that isn't fully serving you. So try not to be so tied to the way other people are going to react, because you're not setting this boundary to see somebody's reaction. You're setting this boundary so that you can feel safer in the relationship. So you don't need to give your energy to how people are going to react. Easier said than done, I know.

Alyssa Scolari:

But it's also important to just be okay with how people react. Like I said, it's not personal. Their reactions, their emotions, they're entitled to. They're entitled to all of it. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. Everybody. But it doesn't mean that their emotions are or opinions is something that you need to take on.

Alyssa Scolari:

Now, when you set a boundary, it is so important, because honestly, setting the boundary, just setting it, I hate to say this, but that's actually one of the easier things to do when it comes to boundary work, setting it first. All right. Great. You did it. The real hard work comes in in upholding the boundary. You need to religiously uphold your boundary, right?

Alyssa Scolari:

If you have a friend that's like, "Hey, can you come out tonight?" "No, thank you. I want to stay inside tonight. I'm not really in the mood to go out." Your friend's like, "Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?" You need to say no time and time and time again. Or in the case of a friend who is borrowing your car, when you say, "I need you to fill the car up with gas when you return it to me," let's say this person says, "Okay. No problem." They borrow the car the next week. They bring the car back, and there's no gas in it. Do you let it go? No. Not even just for one time do you let it go, because, remember, people thrive off of you not having boundaries. If you give people an inch, they will take it a mile. That is just human nature. It doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just human nature. So if you set a boundary and somebody violates that boundary even one time, you need to call it out immediately.

Alyssa Scolari:

You try not to take it personally, right? Because for a lot of people, boundary violations, it's not about you. It could be about other people living out some other childhood stuff, right? Testing limits, kids love to test limits. So do adults. We never grow out of that. It's not personal. But it is your responsibility to religiously uphold that boundary.

Alyssa Scolari:

"Hey, Mom. I know I told you last week when we talked on the phone that I don't want to hear you talking about my brother anymore. I have to ask you again to please stop." Now, if that person still doesn't respect that, "Hey, friend. I asked you when we were at dinner last week to please refrain from talking about weight. It makes me uncomfortable. I also asked you two weeks ago. And you're still doing this."

Alyssa Scolari:

Well, now, what do you do? Well, now, you kind of ... Not kind of, right? There I go again with my indirect language. You put in a consequence, not necessarily punitive, right? Not really punitive sounding, but a consequence that's going to protect you. "Jim, if you return my car again and the gas tank isn't full, I'm not going to let you take my car anymore," "If you continue to talk to me about my brother while we're on the phone, Mom, I'm going to hang up the phone. And that will be the end of our conversation," "If, Susie, you continue to talk to me about weight while we're out to dinner, I'm going to get up and leave the restaurant." That is when you bring those consequences in.

Alyssa Scolari:

And again, you have to reinforce them and uphold them. That is one of the hardest parts about boundaries, because people might say yeah when you set that boundary the first time, but people almost always love to test limits in some way, shape, or form. Not everybody.

Alyssa Scolari:

So that is where we are at. If somebody's not respecting your boundary, you have to call it out, "I asked you to do this. You are not doing it. And if you continue to not do that, this is what's going to happen." People might react in all different ways, right? People might get defensive. They might start questioning you. They're going to test the limits. People might be passive aggressive. They might ghost you. They might give you the silent treatment or just give you very short responses. And again, it's so important to remember that their reaction is not about you. It is never about you.

Alyssa Scolari:

Ultimately, boundaries can solve a lot of relationship problems, but both people have to be open to listening and meeting the other person's each other's requests, really. If that's the case, then boundaries can be so beneficial in relationships.

Alyssa Scolari:

Again, right, Brene Brown has said it best. The temporary discomfort that you experience from setting boundaries is so much better than the long term resentment that will come from not setting them.

Alyssa Scolari:

So with that said, that wraps up our boundary talk. I'm so excited. I thought that was really, really good and really fun to talk about. And I hope that it is so helpful. It's really helpful for me, really helpful. And I'm very happy to be back and recording. I've got some other good episodes this month.

Alyssa Scolari:

It is Pride Month. I didn't say that in the beginning of the episode, but happy Pride Month. I hope it's a great Pride Month for everybody.

Alyssa Scolari:

And I hope that everybody is doing okay. I know that if you are living in the United States, you are probably devastated and still healing from learning of the shooting in Texas of the school children and teachers. I'm just speechless. And I'm at a loss for words. And I feel helpless and hopeless. And it feels like the only thing that I can do is donate money and vote when it comes time. But I don't know. I just feel really hopeless living in this country right now. And there's a big part of me that wants to move. And the gun violence just terrifies me and I'm terrified for the future children of this world. And I could go on. I could go on. I just have a lot of anxiety and a lot of grief. And my heart is so heavy, and I'm so angry. And I know so many of us feel this way.

Alyssa Scolari:

So I'm with you. We stand together, and we will hold each other up. And thoughts and prayers don't really do anything for those victims. Thoughts and prayers aren't doing it anymore for the continued mass shootings in this country. It's just heinous. I don't know what the answer is, but I know I will be voting and I will be donating to who I can. And if there's anything else that anybody can think that we can do to help or that I can do to help, please let me know. You know where to find me.

Alyssa Scolari:

And if you don't know where to find me, it's on Instagram, or you can go to the website, which is LightAfterTrauma.com. And the Instagram handle for the podcast is Light After Trauma. We've got some good content on there, so come check us out. If you message me, I will respond to you directly, because I do get the messages. So, yeah. Come say hi.

Alyssa Scolari:

I hope you enjoyed this episode. I will be back next week with another episode. And until then, I am holding you in the light.

Alyssa Scolari:

Thanks for listening, everyone. For more information, please head over to LightAfterTrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @LightAfterTrauma, and on Twitter, it is @LightAfterPod.

Alyssa Scolari:

Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/LightAfterTrauma to support our show. We are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks. So please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/LightAfterTrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support.

Speaker 2:

(Singing).