This conversation will open your eyes to how we all learn - and might even change the way you read books forever.

Stephen explains the difference between Self Help, Self improvement and Self Development and the impact that choosing Self Development can have on your learning - but also on your confidence, resilience, energy, behaviours, decision making and that important part of self identity.  We walk through the differences between them and some good examples of how to make this work for you.

Stephen introduces it as:

Self-Development is optimal in terms of personal growth and ownership of your own personal development. It's ensuring that you're taking ownership of the learning that you're doing and the information that you're taking on board.  It’s about action - you're going to do something with it - you're not just going to gather it - you're actually going to do something with it. By taking ownership, you build up greater self-awareness, self-confidence, self-management, more influence, better results. You enjoy success by being you, as opposed to thinking 'I followed the manual and it worked out well.’  You actually start to define a more authentic, sincere and concrete level of performance in terms of your own thinking, your own habits, your own emotions because this is you being you. This is the highest level of personal development, because you're going through personal growth by taking ownership.

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TRANSCRIPTION NOTES:There's a personal development continuum. It's important that we understand that a there is a continuum, and where we are on that continuum. And by understanding where we are and what we're trying to achieve, and we can maximize our results and our time, make sure we get what we want. Now, this is valuable, because every day, all of us, we're all trying to progress, improve, learn something brand new, learn to adapt, get slightly better at something. So, understanding how we can best do this will ensure that we get the best possible results.

There is going to be some work involved. But it's worth it. You taking ownership. You build on your strengths, it builds your confidence, makes you more authentic, helps you take control.

Personal development is a huge industry, and it’s something that we all do - consciously or otherwise.

It's always been there. And it's come so much more to the fore recently because people are more aware of what they don't have, what they don't do. And they're being bombarded a lot with information as to who they should be, what they should be doing, what they should be good at, what they're going to need to succeed, what they're going to need to be happy.

We’re being consistently told we could be happier, we could be doing more, could be more efficient, we could be better looking richer, taller, better dressed.  There's also the pressure to succeed.  To be a good parent, to be a good employee, to be a good neighbour, to be a leader.  It used to be, if you really want to get on, you're going to have to develop.  Now it’s if you want to remain where you are, you're still going to have to develop with the pace of change and the challenges. So personal development is a massive industry, extremely aggressively sold, and pushed to people. And it's something that we're doing every day, not necessarily consciously, but we are in a world of personal development.

We do need to constantly learn.  In the old days we used to learn everything you used to need at school. And that was kind of it. But nowadays, the half-life of knowledge keeps getting shorter and shorter. So, we need to improve. So, we need to personally develop, that's the key thing. And then so let's look at the different ways then. Or let's look at the different options that we have.

Imagine a continuum.  At one end it is very much about information. It's just building awareness. It's what you read, it's what you watch, the news channels, the gossip magazines, it's anything that's stimulating your thinking and presenting the world to you, That’s a level of personal development.  You will be informed of something that you weren't informed about before; you’re now informed about it so there is that low level of personal development, which is just getting that information. If all we needed was knowledge, then you know, we'd all be billionaires with six packs. If it was just information that we needed, then we'd all have achieved our dreams already. That's kind of what you're saying is the information isn't enough to help you get to where you need to get to.

The next level on the continuum, which is slightly higher in terms of personal development is when you go into Self-help. This is the fitness videos, books and publications and many of the different media and channels that you have from now. Self-help is mainly information, and it's general information. But it's considered to be helpful information on a general basis.  it's a kind of wide fishing net that gets thrown out there. Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to be happy? Sleep better? Eat better? Do you want to feel younger or have better skin? Do you have you know want better career? It’s a very general approach; non-specific & not personalized. Some of it is fantastic. It can really inspire your thinking and ideas. But it's not about you. It's in general terms. Surely everybody wants this - why wouldn't you?

So simple guides to productivity, efficiency, how to sell more, how to be better at sports, anything. It’s general. I could pick it up, the person next to me can pick it up, and they'll be getting exactly the same information given to them.

The next level, Self-improvement, is moving more towards being about you. There's a higher level of personal development but it is still external.  If you decide that there’s something you want to get better at, maybe because you've realized there's a gap there, or there's something holding you back. Or you've pinpointed that if you can just solve this situation, everything else is going to be better.  Maybe it's your New Year's resolution, or it's going to be your project on yourself, or you’re seeing your neighbour, your colleague or your friend benefit from this, and you think ‘I want some of that’. You're going to add a language, a skill, one more qualification or complete another course.  These are all about Self-improvement.  I don't have something - something that's a perceived weakness - and I want to improve. And that's where you move into Self-improvement.  It's a weakness, it’s a hole you're trying to fill.

Many clients will say ‘I'm not a completer finisher’, or ‘I'm not a good presenter’, or ‘I'm just not good in a crisis’. They’ll then go and sign up to a crisis management course, or a presentation course a complete a finisher course. Because they think: ’I want to know what I'm missing, because I’ll then fill those gaps. And they want me to help.  Because one of the big things about Self-improvement is you're handing it over to someone else.  You want their secrets of success, someone else's methods, someone else's process, someone else's story of success, that you think ‘I could do that myself’

It's obviously more powerful than Self-help, because there is a level of involvement from the person as well, but it is still external and it's more about completing gaps.

It's still a lot of information.  It’s if I know that information, then I'm going to be better. But it's someone else's information. So, I have questions that I want someone else to give me the answer to.

Self-Development is at the end of the continuum where it's optimal in terms of personal growth and ownership of your own personal development. It's ensuring that you're taking ownership of the learning that you're going and the information that you're taking on board.  It’s about action - you're going to do something with it, you're not just going to gather it, you're actually going to do something with it. By taking ownership, you build up greater self-awareness, self-confidence, self-management, more influence, better results. You enjoy success by being you, as opposed to’ I followed the manual and it worked out well.’. You actually start to define a more authentic, sincere and concrete level of performance in terms of your own thinking, your own habits, your own emotions because this is you being you. This is the highest level of personal development, because you're going through personal growth by taking ownership.

So, it's clear from your tone that you're a big fan of this one.

I've seen it work. I've always believed that the success, the growth, and the real value with the people I've worked with, is what they then go on and do with the things we work on, rather than creating a dependency that they need me to be there all the time with them. As soon as they think the answer is in me more than the answer is within them, then I know I've got the balance of this wrong. I've always had an approach where I believed in the person, and I wanted that person to believe in themselves.  And that's why I have relationships with people that are lifelong and ongoing, as opposed to transactional, for one area of improvement. I've always believed in this approach.

When I've sat down with people it's quite common that they will say, ‘I want to know where the gaps are, I want to know what I'm missing.’ I will turn that round, and say, but I want to know what you're good at. Because if I can understand what you're really good at. And if you can connect with what you're really good at, we can then apply that to the areas that you want to improve and be better in, and it will be more sincere, more authentic, you'll find your way of doing this better, as opposed to trying someone else's thing on for size.

So, this is building on understanding and appreciating your own strengths, building on them. Is this about plugging the gaps. This is about improving only what you're already good at?

Self-development will still want you to put some focus and improve in those gaps. But where Self-improvement will only focus on the gaps. Self-development, first of all looks at your strengths. And from that position, then looks at your weaknesses, gaps or things are missing.  But we approach it by starting where you're naturally good at and where your key strengths are. You'll come up with an authentic solution that will make that gap or that weakness a lot less challenging.  And that's when it becomes more sustainable, more consistent. It's not people acting and pretending to be someone or something else or trying to pretend to be something else. They're being genuine.

One of the most obvious examples of that for me is when I'm working with some people, we will engage with both their professional life and the private life.  At times, they'll be struggling with some things personally or at home and you ask if this was at work how would you deal with it? And they can immediately come up with an answer. They've got immediate clarity because they know they're good at that in their work. So then I ask, ‘so how would you apply that at home?’. And equally the other way around, where people really, really struggle sometimes with relationships at work. But they're really solid at home, and you say well if this was at home, how would you deal with this if it was your son or daughter or your partner? And they've got an answer in an instant. And asking if you could, could you apply that into that other situation. So sometimes, that clarity and objectivity by looking at something that you're really good at, can give you some real instant, magical at times, solutions for the bit that you're too concerned about, too worried about or don't have the confidence with.

If you apply Presenting skills along this continuum. first of all, Awareness.  I look at someone, I think they are a really good presenter, and I think: they do that a lot better than I could. And then Self-help. I watch them again and I think, what are they doing that makes them good at what they do?

Then I might move into Self-improvement and think, Okay, so what did they do that I don't do? And ‘how can I add their stuff to mine?’ Self-development is looking and thinking, I really want to be a better presenter. I can see what works for others. What am I good at in terms of communication, presentation, my knowledge of the product or knowledge of the service? what am I really good at?  when do I communicate really well? when do I present really well? How could I apply that to this situation?

There isn't only one good way of presenting. Genuine presenters shine. It isn’t a trick, it’s authentic, something real.

Two common situations: you go in and the previous CEO was a larger-than-life character. I meet the new CEO, who's following in that person's footsteps. They’ll will bow their head and say I'll never be like that person. And it's almost like an admission of defeat. Whereas for me. That's good. We’re at already the starting line then. We’ve got nothing hold us back. Because you know you're never going to be like that person. Thank goodness for that. That saves us about six sessions. So - who you are? what are your strengths? What are you really like? How do we make this authentic? I also get the other extreme where I meet another CEO who's saying the previous CEO was very composed very quiet, very precise and I've got bags of energy. I'm going to have to cage all that because everybody liked them. And that's where you have to have those initial session saying. This is about you being you. Because you looked up to that person don’t try to then follow in their footsteps.

Self-development is an ongoing process of conscious improvement and personal growth.

Nowadays the amount of cookery shows and chefs out there are just unbelievable. So you become aware that cooking resonates with you, I like to cook. So then you connect with it.  At the Self-help level of it you look and say, ‘Okay, they're really good.  I really admire them, they do good stuff, or they've got a lovely personality, or they present really well or they’re funny or creative or whatever. And so you go into the Self-help journey and buy the book to look at the recipes. And there are an awful lot of cookery books that have never picked up the scent of food. Because they have just sat there looking good on a bookshelf.

If your cookbook isn’t in the kitchen that’s a clear signal it's not yet Self-development. Self-development isn't difficult. It's not easy, but it's not difficult. It's about taking ownership and doing something with it. And if you then take that recipe, or you take that cookbook, and you give it a go.  You start and you think the more I do this, the better I'm going to get.  It’s an ongoing conscious journey towards realizing your full potential and not just comparing yourself to someone else.  That’s you moving through that continuum from taking a bit of awareness, all the way through Self-help and Self-improvement to Self-development. And that's when you make it your own. That's when you become something.  That's when you realize your fullest potential.  Your confidence will grow, your influence and passion will grow. Your belief in yourself will grow. Because you're doing it and not just copying something else.

When you're talking about the recipe, it takes me back in a number of years, to my first sales job selling phone book space.  We would do sales scripts and my first sales trainer was amazing.  She said we don't do sales scripts. In a sales scripts, you say the same thing every time.  We do a recipe. So the first couple of times, you're going to pretty much do what I've said, but then you're going to make it your own, and then you’ll sound better, and you'll get authentic. in a way there's the Self-help, there was the Self-improvement. And then there was the Self-development

Self-development is where you develop a set of skills for yourself. Your personality is there, then it makes sense. It would stick it makes sense. It becomes part of your life and your routine and that authentic and confidence. Those are two really strong words for learning something new, isn't it that confidence to take it on and it to be real to you?

Coaching is a process of, first of all, having awareness, connecting that awareness with experience. So you're aware of something & you connect with the experience, because it's actually happened. Then the next stage is that you then know, and that is what I would term Coaching for Success. Because I'm aware of something, I've experienced it and therefore know that it's happened. So that that's coaching for success. What adds depth is the moving from knowing something to understanding something. And that requires you to do something with it.  For years I've been creating models, concepts and frameworks and sharing them with clients, all over the world, and, what gives me the biggest reward is when I've got people playing back their version of something, particularly when it's not word for word because then I know they’re making it their own; then I know they’re actually taking ownership over this. And they’re growing as a person. Sometimes when a client can recite something word for word, I have that little niggle in my mind of saying ‘is this still a Self-improvement thing for them.  Have they really understood it’?

There's greater happiness for you through Self-development, because you get to be successful by being you. In some difficult situations you will have used Self-improvement, and it's worked. And then you think ‘that wasn't me’. And you feel like a bit of an imposter. So even when it goes well, you think, oh, my goodness it only goes well, and I'm not being me. So, what am I doing here?

There are these fantastically compelling and harrowing TV shows that were started I remember in the UK, a guy called Gok Wan. But anywhere you go in the world, there's other variations of these themes where they take some poor soul who wants to look better, feel better, have a better image, better fashion sense, better set of clothes, nicer hair, and better makeup and all this kind of stuff,

then we'll get through this sort of 30 minutes show that leads to this reveal, rather than put in front of a mirror that the matter is uncovered. And then you see this person. And you can always tell by that eyes. It's like someone who has too much plastic surgery, but you get a 70-year-old guy, but he’s in the body now of a 25-year-old, and you just look at his eyes. And there's that fear. of looking in the mirror and going, who's that? they look great, but who is that. And these reveal programs were always on that basis, then they used to wheel them out in front of family and friends who all of a sudden clapped and cheered and loved them. Because they looked different. Personal Development at its optimal is when you go through personal growth that matches those changes externally. So personal development, your Self-development matches the level that you are learning then it's authentic, then it's you being you, that's where your real happiness is because there's nothing as trapped, or leads to unhappiness than actually being told You're doing well by pretending to be something or someone else. That that's a difficult place to find yourself in.

So when I’m buying a book is that Self-help Self-improvement or Self-development? Or can it be all three?

Well, it depends on what your mindset is, and what the question is that you're asking and the quality of the question you ask yourself will determine the quality of the thinking that you have, which will then determine the result. So if you're asking yourself a Self-help question, you will read that book on the basis of why is this person good and I'm not. And your thinking will identify all the things that they did that you don't. And the result is you'll be an expert on what they can do really well.

If you read that same book, and your question is a Self-improvement one, so how do I identify what this person does that I don’t, you will then identify all the things that they do that you don’t , and the result, is you'll understand why they're as good at what they do. And you'll be looking to imitate, pretend or copy and paste that.  Maybe if I did that I'd get to the same.

But if your mindset is of Self-development, then the question you're going to be asking is, what can I take from this that I can learn, that I can own, that I can put into action. So I can then find my own way of doing what the story is telling me and your thinking will be attuned to interpreting while you're reading, how you can make that your own. And the result is that it’s a book you're going to take notes on, its’ a book you're going to go back to, it's a book you're going to refer to, because you're going to be interpreting that book in a mindset of Self-development. I'm going to do something with this, I'm going to take ownership of what I'm going to take from this book, and I'm going to apply it. And I'm going to find my way of doing that.

I've approached books in each of those three different ways, different books at different times. So, it's your approach in all of these different situations which decides then whether this is going to be just simply awareness, Self-help, Self-improvement, or the ultimate Self-development.

Self-development isn’t everything you do; it is everything you consciously choose to grow through.

Some books are great awareness books.  Some books I’m just happy to read, it's kind of downtime.  Sometimes it's great to read a book and marvel at what someone else does without having that confidence dwindling approach of why are they successful and I’m not? Sometimes it's just great to read about someone else's success and be pleased for them. What a story!

You can also open up to reading some books that you don't have tan instant connection with. I can remember a book that I read the first time I didn’t have a connection with. The first time I read it, I thought that guy's not me. I don't think like that guy. It was based in the 70s in California. I was trying to look for something to connect with and I just couldn't find it. By the end of the book, however, I then realized that if I should read it with a different mindset, the Self-development mindset of saying, what can I take from that book to make my own? I’ve now read it at least seven times and every time I read that book, I find something.

We talked about ‘ask better questions, get better answers’. You’re reading the book anyway, the value you're going to get out of reading that book changes with the right question. It's got to be conscious that's the thing.

The operational level then is knowing about this continuum, knowing that you have the option of having these questions, and sometimes you'll stumble into it, so we've all learned, we've all developed sometimes we've done it, almost by mistake or unconsciously, but this is now being aware that there is a choice on it on an operational level.

Management is about understanding. There are times when you're actually going through it, you're doing stuff, and sometimes just have why do I still have to do this all the time. Well, that’s you going through Self-development. You're increasing your personal growth. It's managing your situations you're going through. At an operational level it’s being aware of these different four levels of personal development. Management is about saying is this a situation when I can self-develop. So, managing those choices, and saying, I'm going to choose to approach this situation from Self-development perspective. So how can I do this in a way that's authentic from me? what can I take out of this that I'm willing to go and commit to greater personal growth, greater self-confidence by doing this? How do I take that cookbook from the lounge to the kitchen and actually say now this is an opportunity for me to learn, an opportunity for me to grow, to enhance skills, to develop my talents, to improve my thinking.

Also, the management level of Self-development is starting from what you're good at. So that the situations that you're going to deal with, start from what I'm good at, not trying to build on the gaps.  It’s actually putting the foundations in then saying What am I good at? Reminding myself what I'm good at. particularly for the things that you having to face that you might not have done before.  What are you bringing to the table that’s good? You can't build on what you don't have.

Strategically it’s you deciding in advance to go and look for things that you want to self-develop, and then creating the situations.  How do I create an environment or an opportunity for me really to enhance my personal growth? How do I decide I'm going to have a Self-development approach to this situation that I'm going to create? I’m going to use this to become, rather than something I'm just going to develop more awareness of.  It’s an active choice of putting yourself into that situation, rather than managing the situation that is put in front of you. I'm going to go look for things that are going to be good for me, in terms of that personal growth in terms of ownership, that really helps me build upon my strengths.

I was speaking with a very high level, woman who globally heads up coaching and leadership development. And yet, not something that she has confidence in doing for herself.  She does it for literally 1000s of people to a level that's fantastic. And yet, doesn't do it for herself. And this is what happens to a lot of us at times where you know, cobblers’ shoes used to be the old example of he used to be able to tell the cobbler in a village because it was the person with the worse shoes, because they were fixing everyone else’s but never their own. In this situation her opportunity of Self-development is now taking everything that she knows, taking all that understanding, taking what she's also very good as an individual, and applying it to situations that she hasn't yet thought to apply it.

You want a portfolio of strategies, or a box of approaches that you're most comfortable with or confident in.  Those approaches with certain people in certain situations which tend to get you fantastic results, or results that you're really happy with. However, those same approaches with other people, in other situations can sometimes fall short. So rather than saying as these approaches work with these people in these situations, I just need to spend my life only dealing with these people and these situations and avoiding the others. What Self-development is about is building out that authentic portfolio strategies of you being you so that you can broaden that base enough that you can start to look at the outcome you want and say, Well, I want that outcome. Now, given that it's these people or these situations, I’ve got three or four genuine, sincere, authentic ways of dealing with us to get to where I want to get to.  I don’t need to steal anything from somebody else. I can develop three or four strategies using my own characteristics and strengths.

If you are genuine, authentic and sincere, the law of attraction states you will attract genuine, sincere, authentic people and situations into your life. But if you're pretending to be something or someone else, you're also going to attract those types of people and situations in your life.

We've talked before about the difference in self-confidence and confidence, and how confidence is all externally driven. your self-confidence is your internal and your base for everything. The way that you build and develop your self-confidence is through Self-development. You knowing you, Being authentic with that base. Helps you to make self-confident decisions and to build relationships based upon self-confidence.  Self-development as your strategy will ensure that you've got a level of self confidence in which the lows will not take you down. And you'll experience greater highs. If you've stolen or borrowed something from someone else, then that isn't going to feed your own confidence.  You get the outcome you want which is great, but you worry whether someone's going to tap you on the shoulder and say we know you've been doing an impression of somebody else come out of there. But when this comes from something that you are and you do, then you don't have the imposter syndrome, you don't think you're lucky. So therefore, that will help build confidence

Are you ready for Self-development, there's that there's a model on control focus, it's based upon the locus of control that was designed in the 60s. And this is about how you draw the line between what you take control over and what else you hand over to fate, or luck, or external circumstance. And it depends where you want that line to go. And if you are okay waiting for fate, or luck, or other people to decide your future, then Self-development isn’t a level you need to get to.  Self-help and Self-improvement will be fine. That will give you an awareness of all the things that you don't really do. If you're looking to move that control, wanting to self-determine your future, self-determine what's good enough for you, self-determine what your potential that can be, self-determine the difference and impact you can have for others, then as long as you're willing to commit to the level of ownership and personal growth that you're going to go through. Self-development isn't just right for you, it's best for you. But it does take that commitment,

Self-determination. It's up to you. Ask yourself the right question and then commit to determining your own future. So, then this is situational. So, there may be some situations where I don't have that locus of control with me. And there are other times when I decide and that comes back to that strategic point. Actually, I'm going to decide that this is something I'm going to take ownership of.

Self-development is an ongoing journey for people. That's where the personal growth, the confidence, that’s where everything comes from. It's knowing that I am successful because of me. In the future you can determine everything that you read, everything you get involved with, can be upgraded into Self-development as soon as you decide.

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