Dr. Ramani ON: How to Spot a Narcissist & 3 Signs of Gaslighting in Any Relationship

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

12-12-2022 • 1 hr 16 mins

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Today, I am talking to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, CA, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University, Los Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting. She is an author of several books including Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist, and “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. The focus of Dr. Durvasula’s clinical, academic and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations.

Dr. Ramani shares her studies about narcissism and our narcissistic tendencies. She and I talk about how our personalities define how we act with people and around people, why narcissists are resistant to change and to how deal with one, the truth about gaslighting and why it is so unhealthy to the person at the receiving end, and why we shouldn't misplace our hopes in others and instead place it on ourselves.

What We Discuss:

  • 00:00:00 Intro
  • 00:03:11 When did narcissism become a study of focus?
  • 00:07:06 Narcissism is a very quiet condition
  • 00:12:45 Awareness and discomfort
  • 00:19:37 How do people end up with a narcissistic personality?
  • 00:26:25 Narcissists can be very attractive
  • 00:33:26 The concept of multiple truths
  • 00:36:40 Love bombing
  • 00:41:08 The real meaning of gaslighting
  • 00:47:05 Dealing with a gaslighter
  • 00:53:35 “I can change this person.”
  • 01:00:07 Ultimate healing from a narcissistic relationship
  • 01:04:31 Setting healthy boundaries
  • 01:06:49 Adopting narcissistic patterns to be able to fight back
  • 01:09:20 Misplaced hope

Episode Resources

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