Mar 5 2021
Episode #3: 165 200 days and Counting if I should continue on.
165,200 days ago this is the furthest I remember asking myself before falling asleep; is it really worth going on another day.Yes, there were influences and indications that there was something wrong that brought me towards this question in my early years and teens, but I have always been a fighter so therefore I am still here to tell the tale.During the 1980’s I was to young to know better or realize that these were not normal thoughts or my behaviours and actions when I look back ties into my recent diagnosis of being BiPolar. I was always different in the way I acted, the way I did things and the way I socialized. They went from the extreme left to extreme right but never in the middle. I was the class joker, I was the one who interupted classes to get attention and I was the one who would change relationships like no tomorrow, and my home life was shit.Then came the 90’s where everything was on hyper drive and I feet the need to apologize to every one that crossed my path as I may have hurt them in may ways that I regret today. I was unable to hold onto a relationship and the relationships that I was in hurt the ones I was with due to my erratic behaviour, selfishness and not being able to control my anger and being able to trust anyone. During this decade I also switched jobs 5 times just due to thinking that I was the Master of my Universe.Looking back now I just shake my head.This is where my thoughts ran even faster as to what is my purpose and if there will ever be a time that these thoughts will dissapear…they never did even though I met my Best Friend and my love Michelle.I tried to fight back these behaviours in front of her during the years before our wedding night, but that night I went outside and just started yelling to myself as every feeling I had bottled up came rushing in and I did not want Michelle to find out.Here came the 2000’s to which was a total blur up until the last couple of years.My daughters were born, money was tight, my depression went on hyper drive and I had NO idea how to handle it as I was exhausted.This is where the questions of being BiPolar raised it’s hand as I could not help control of the family finances, I could not focus in any job that I had therefore I went through 4 more jobs until 2010.After 2010 everything just exploded including keeping jobs again, no energy whastsoever and not being able at all to really be with my daughters as I should have been. To add more hot sauce to this adventure, I went bankrupt 3 years ago to which 80% of BiPolar people do overall.Only in the last two years has the sun start to shine, the stability of our lives are rebuilding and I am able to see a clearer path.Unfortunately this is all due to my medications (15 pills) a day, but at least I am able to function….but my depression has raised its ugly head again during the last couple of months and I only hope its due to the situation we are all in.I can tell you today that my thoughts from 165, 200 days ago (about living for another day) are still with me every night but I believe it is now just a habit to ask these questions, as once again I am not a quitter and will never give in to a battle with myself.I promise.Thou shall not fall.Thou shall not die.Thou shall not fear.Thou shall not kill.🙏🙏🏼🙏🏽 If you like what you heard, please feel free to Buy Me a ☕️ Coffee at: www.BuyMeaCoffee.com/CaryBrandes.Thank you 😀.My Renegade Blog: www.RenegadeRetailer.blogHave a PHENOMENAL 🤩 Day.#thatisall