Relationship Truth: Unfiltered

He says he's sorry. That you should forgive. But how do you know his words are true, that he won't repeat this sin in the future?  Takeaways: Two questions to ask in order to determine if he's truly sorry: Does he care, through his actions as well as is words, about the impact his sin has on you?Is he committed to change, actively working on himself so that the sin does not repeat itself?How to get over your anger and disappointment Forgive. Cancel the debt. This is a decision. You no longer expect anything from this person. You don’t have to trust him again but it will be best for your own well-being if you can forgive and let go of what happened. Forgiveness is freedom for you. It may take time for you to forgive. You don’t have to restore your relationship right away. If the person who sinned against you demands forgiveness, that’s a red flag. You need to go through a grief process. Accept the fact that we live with imperfect people.   Two paths to people “waking up” and repenting Words are the first path to getting someone to wake up. Honest, gentle, loving words. When we aren’t speaking the truth in love we aren’t loving well. Sometimes words don’t work. Consequences wake people up. Consequences can be a gift.Resources: Register for Leslie's free, live webinar, "How long should you keep hoping for your destructive spouse to change and how will you know his change is real?" Click here to register: https://leslievernick.com/freetraining  Find more resources at www.leslievernick.com

Debbie Laaser knows what it’s like to be blindsided by the sexual sin of her husband. In this episode she not only shares what happened but the story of how she and her late husband, Mark, came to build a ministry to those dealing with sexual sin and the loved ones who are impacted by it. Subscribe  Apple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeart   Takeaways Take care of symptoms. Work first on the trauma which leads to practical steps. Don’t skip this step. The trauma leads to real medical issues. Sleeping and eating and dealing with the lies you’ve lived with for so long. Figure out what other help you might need. Sleep deprivation is one of the worst things you can deal with when trying to work through hard problems. There’s more than just “getting through this.” There is an opportunity for post-traumatic growth. God will teach you new things about yourself, others, and even the world. You can experience trauma and transformation. Allow your pain to speak to you about what you need.Build up your community. Surround yourself with others who are walking this journey. Do not isolate. Silence and isolation are the worst enemies of getting well … for your husband and for you. You need other people! Take a look at your belief systems. Often you’re telling yourself things like, “I’ll never be able to trust him again…He’s never going to change…He’s ruined my life.” These belief systems are, most often, not correct. If you don’t get help with this, you’ll forever stay in a devastated place. The more your belief system is inaccurate, the more pain you feel. Counsel with a person who knows the truth and has walked this journey. Full disclosure is very important. You must know exactly what you’re dealing with. One of the resources to finding growth in the pain is to live in the truth.Debbie Laaser’s Resources Debbie’s Ministry Website: www.faithfulandtrue.com  Debbie’s Book, “From Trauma to Transformation:”  https://a.co/d/6AMFAmo  Faithful and True Podcast: www.faithfulandtrue.com/podcast  Other Resources www.leslievernick.com Conquer is opening in April! www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

Jessica’s destructive marriage impacted her to the point where she seriously considered suicide. She says kids helped save her life. She had to get them - and herself - to safety.    Subscribe  Apple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeart   Three Takeaways Safety is priority! Get emotionally and physically safe. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. They offer confidential support 24/7. Staying well: It’s possible to stay well but it really depends on how regulated you can be in your situation. You have to do your work!Leaving well: Without an irrefutable, documented case of child abuse, it’s unlikely the courts will help with your plea for protection or more parenting time for yourself. It may be better to save your emotional time and energy (as well as your finances) by building positive relationships with your kids and teaching them how to regulate themselves when visiting their father. Other Resources Conquer opens soon! Join the waitlist: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. Or, text START to 88788 www.leslievernick.com

Brief summary of episode: When a relationship ends, the problems don’t all go away, especially when you’re forced to co-parent. In this episode you’ll hear practical tips you can apply in dealing with your ex or soon-to-be ex. Whether it’s dealing with finances, fairness, or emotional wounds, you’ll find help here. Subscribe  Apple * Google * Spotify * Amazon * iHeart Three Takeaways It is in your children’s best interest to have a positive relationship with both of their parents. Remember this at all times!  Your kids deserve one parent who is healthy and doing their best to be living godly principles. When communicating with a destructive spouse, use BIFF…Brief, Informative, Firm, and FriendlyIn order to experience peace you must give up the NEED for him to understand your reasons, your NEED for him to understand and agree with you, even your NEED for him to support you. When you NEED anything from him he then has the ability to hold you as an emotional hostage. Resources Join Leslie’s email list to receive her free newsletter and to be notified when new classes open. www.leslievernick.com Empowered to Change is open until the end of March. Sign up at www.leslievernick.com/groupcoaching Conquer will be opening to new members in April. Join the wait list here: www.leslievernick.com/joinconquer

Whether you're a trauma survivor or married to one, trauma has a profound impact on relationships. Heather Davediuk Gingrich, Ph.D. is passionate about helping complex trauma survivors as well as educating churches on how to be trauma informed.    In her 40 years as a professional counselor, she has lived, practiced, and taught in Canada, the Philippines, and the United States. She was Professor of Counseling at Denver Seminary for 17 years and recently moved to northeast Georgia where she coordinates a 5-course Graduate Certificate in Trauma Counseling for the School of Graduate Studies at Toccoa Falls College. In this episode Leslie interviews Dr. Gingrich about practical ways to handle situations where trauma plays a part in your relationships.

Karin and her husband of nearly 39 years were missionaries to Zambia for two decades. Everything looked good to the outside but, the truth was, Karin was a victim of an extremely controlling and manipulative husband. In this episode Karin explains how she came to accept the truth about her situation and learn that she did have choices, even if her husband didn’t want to change.    Resources Join Walking in Core Strength today! Go to www.leslievernick.com/groupcoachingJoin the waitlist for the Conquer membership, go to www.leslievernick.com/joinconquerSign up for Leslie’s free newsletter at www.leslievernick.com

Everyone has an ingrained belief system…a sort of hard-wiring that we don’t even think about. Today Leslie is going to talk about ten of the most common - and dangerous beliefs. Dangerous because believing them could seriously damage your life.  Life Should Be FairHard is badI should be able to have my cake and eat it too.It’s all my faultIt’s never my faultI can control the outcomeIf I wait, the problem will go awayMy choices only affect meI can’t do itI don’t need God For more resources and to sign up for Leslie's Quick Start Guide, go to www.leslievernick.com

Dawn knew there were red flags before she even married but she thought she could "save him."  Instead, she spent more than two decades dealing with a husband who was addicted to alcohol and prescription pain medications. Hear how, as a Christian, she dealt with this destructive problem and what she learned in the process.

In this episode Pastor Brad Hambrick and Leslie will tackle some tough topics:   Why do you think the church is making the same mistakes over and over again?   Why is it so hard to believe the victim? “Innocent until proven guilty” is cultural, but, when applied to a person telling their story we too often look at it as “liar until proven truthful.”  Is it wrong to let the legal system, CPS and other authorities, into matters involving church families?  Is the institution of marriage more important than the individuals in the marriage?  Key Takeaways When there is an abuse-related accusation toward a leader, the first call is too often made to a lawyer or an insurance company. That’s important but these are not the only voices to have in the situation.    Go to your pastor but don’t turn your brain off. You are to steward your mental and emotional health. Sometimes a pastor is so focused on saving your marriage he/she isn’t seeing anything else.   Anytime you’re consulting with anyone who is an expert in anything, value their input but don’t be mindless. It’s okay to say, “I don’t think that’s the best advice for me,” whether you say it out loud or just to yourself.    For pastors: When it feels “messy,” don’t make an edict … at that point you need to be in a supportive position. You need to ask for the type of cooperation from the unsafe individual that would make it a safe environment … and if they won’t, that tells you something. If they start bashing you and/or the church, you’re getting just a small taste of what the spouse is experiencing in the privacy of their home.    Sometimes abuse is manipulative and coercive. What are some of the red flags and remedies a pastor can do?    When it comes to the subject of abuse…especially non-criminal abuse…the church needs a “category” to deal with those. Matthew 7:1-6. Most pastors think verses 1-5.  Proverbs 19:11 … sometimes it’s good to overlook an offense. But if the offense keeps happening it needs to be addressed. Verses 3-5 doesn’t contradict verses 1-2. It’s different but it’s addressing a higher level concern. Jesus says you don’t just keep overlooking … that’s being “devoured.” Verse 6 is the continuation of 1-5. If you’re in a chronically destructive situation, you don’t have to keep being abused.    The Bible doesn’t treat all conflict as if it's the same. Pastors need to understand how to nuance and ensure safety. Maybe they aren’t in a Matthew 7:3-5 situation but it’s a Matthew 7:6 situation: “Don’t cast your pearls before swine.” Many women keep sharing their feelings and it’s turned on them. Sharing emotions is not always safe. It can become a lightning rod for attack.   How do you discern when a heart change has taken place? Ephesians 4 gives us a really good paradigm. Abusive individuals typically have pride and impatience.  The opposite of pride is humility. When we’re humble we ask good questions. We really want to understand instead of just being understood and getting our way. The defensive attitude goes away and is replaced with listening.  The opposite of impatience is patience. We don’t put a timetable on getting back to normal. Moving back in, etc. Can they hear? Are they wanting to learn? Or are they more focused on getting what they want and being in control of the situation?  Maybe there isn’t something illegal happening but they aren’t cooperating. They need to understand they are still being relationally destructive. Are they going through the motions for their own comfort or because they are truly repentant? Are they giving the spouse time to feel safe again?    You cannot rebuild a relationship without the foundations of safety and trust. And when those have been broken they have to be repaired. Asking for reconciliation without that is asking her to lie and pretend. That is against her very biology. She must feel safe and be able to trust…especially in marriage.    There is a time period to heal, whether it’s physical, emotional, or relational. Don’t rush the healing period.  Pastors don’t have to be experts about everything. Lean on those who are experts in matters of abuse. RESOURCES Brad Hambrick’s books: https://bradhambrick.com/publications/  Brad Hambrick’s website: https://bradhambrick.com/ \ Sign up for Leslie’s newsletter at www.leslievernick.com

What is betrayal trauma? There can be financial, emotional, betrayal, sexual, etc. When betrayal happens the picture you had of your spouse is shattered and so is the picture you had of yourself. It can be a struggle to even trust yourself again … because you trusted this person who once betrayed you.    The priority, beyond any problem, is your self-care. When you’ve been betrayed, you must take care of yourself in order to deal with the problem.    Coach Jen Cole experienced betrayal trauma in her own marriage and shares how she went from having a faith of desperation to having a faith of surrender.    First thing to take care of you is, of course, a deep breath and prayer, along with good sleep. But you also need to find a trusted person - someone who won’t pass judgment on your heart and who will let you express the emotions you need to express.    You are worth the time, money, and effort to work on YOU. Your work is to heal and grow so that, if you are betrayed, you know how to handle yourself so that it isn’t as scary and devastating as when you are dependent on that person.   Connection is important. Connection to God, and to others, and even to yourself.  Proverbs talks a lot about being aware of yourself, having self-awareness, self-control, and self-discipline so you can self-discipline. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. The very term, “love others as yourself” implies that you care for yourself. “Guard your heart above all else,” implies that you are aware of your heart and caring for it.    If you’ve been betrayed in any way, understand that God knows how you feel. He was betrayed, too. He is your advocate and will comfort you in your pain. And there are others who want to help you through this dark time.  RESOURCES Join Leslie’s email list to be notified of special events and classes: www.leslievernick.com   To work with Jen or one of Leslie’s other trained coaches, go to https://leslievernick.com/coaching/

You. Don't. Have. To.  Most women are stuck in the lie that, "I have to..." I have to stay married, I have to go to church, I have to go to work...there is a resignation to a life that is choice-less. But that's not true. You don't have to do any of those things.  With every choice we make there are consequences. But we DO have a choice.   God created Adam and Eve with choice. They could choose to listen to Him and they could choose not to listen. But there were consequences to what they decided.  Jesus gave Judas a choice. And he made it. The rich young ruler also had a choice. And he made it. Jesus also had a choice and he chose to go to the cross. You make decisions based on what you want in life, not because you "have" to do something. You get to choose.  Life happens to many of us because of our choices. But when we feel like we don't have a choice we end up feeling victimized.  At the end of the day, how will you feel about yourself and the choices you made?  When you put yourself in the "have to do these things" category you rob yourself of the feeling of saying, "I choose to."  Psalm 119:1-5, 30, 33-34: "Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the LORD. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths. You have charged us to keep your commandments carefully. Oh, that my actions would consistently reflect your decrees!... I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your regulations. Teach me your decrees, O LORD ; I will keep them to the end. Give me understanding and I will obey your instructions; I will put them into practice with all my heart."   Go to www.leslievernick.com to sign up for Leslie’s Newsletter and to receive important notifications

Date: January 2, 2023 Name of podcast: What is a godly woman?   Many Christians have a certain image of what a godly woman looks like, how she behaves, and what her priorities are (her husband being at the top of the list).  In this episode Leslie takes a look at what the Bible really has to say about the virtues and priorities of a godly woman.    A godly woman is God-centered, not self-centered or other-centered. Our love for God has to be first. Being a godly woman does not mean living around your husband. That’s actually idolatry.  God has both masculine and feminine characteristics and he says we - both genders - are to be like him. Men should be kind and loving while being strong and courageous and women should also be strong and courageous while being kind and lovingA godly woman has virtues. God calls us to develop virtues. The Proverbs 31 woman was more than the tasks she did which were cultural. She was a strong, decisive, and God-centered woman. A virtuous woman is someone who decides who she wants to be and how she will show up, whether she feels like it or not.   Go to www.leslievernick.com to sign up for Leslie’s Newsletter and to receive important notifications

What is forgiveness? What does forgiveness mean? If I forgive my husband for something, what does that look like, biblically? It may mean canceling a debt. Or, does it mean you don’t talk about it anymore and you continue like everything is fine? That isn’t biblical. It isn’t a “get out of jail card” where you still offer your relationship and trust to a person who habitually sins against you.    How do you deal with "70x7" verse in Matthew 18?  You don’t have to do anything. That isn’t the heart of God. God gives us choices. Even Adam and Eve had choices and then they experienced the consequences of those choices. If God had truly forgiven, why wouldn’t he have erased the consequences of their sin? Too many churches teach that you must stay in relationship with a person even when they sin against you over and over and over again.    Not even God has a relationship with unrepentant sinners. So why would we be required to have relationships with people who continue to sin against us when God, himself, doesn’t?    When do you put things in the past and no longer bring it up? If the past is still your present then you still need to deal with it because the lesson has not been learned.  When the past is truly the past and the behaviors have truly changed and the person has repented, there is a time to let the offense go. But, understand, there may still be an impact upon the person who was sinned against.     The church too often bundles forgiveness with an erasing of the consequences. That is not biblical.    The past is instructive.  For the person who sinned…If we don’t learn from our mistakes by reflecting on them, we will repeat them. Reflecting on the past is supposed to instruct you on how to do better next time. We learn from our mistakes.

In this episode you'll meet Grace, a brave woman who shares her story of being a people pleaser and learning to set boundaries with a jealous husband who would rage and exert control over her. She spent years walking on eggshells and trying to manage his emotions.  Today she is living in truth and being a godly wife by not enabling his sinful and destructive behavior.

In this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered you’ll hear some of Leslie and Julie’s experiences with the emotion of fear and how it has, at times, been in the driver’s seat of their lives. Leslie will share how fear can be a good thing but also when it becomes detrimental to decision making and living the life God has called you to live.    Notes from this episode: Fear can be a good thing. Our bodies warn us of danger and it’s good to heed the body’s warning. Fear can also be detrimental when it turns to anxiety and a person lives with the fear of “what if I look foolish, what if something bad happens, what if something bad happens, what if I get rejected…”How do you deal with the fear of decision making? The first step is to make a decision: The absolute best decision you can make is the right decision. The second best decision you can make is the wrong decision. The worst decision you can make is no decision.9:35 What if you’ve made a decision that isn’t easy to change, like marrying the wrong person? Even this can be a good decision if you let it teach you.  When does fear cross the line to where it’s becoming a detriment? When the fear stops a person from growing. When fear drives your decisions. Any emotion you allow in the driver’s seat can be detrimental. When we really understand God’s plan for our lives, when something puts us in a scary situation and we are afraid … that may be something where we are to grow and learn.  What would be a better way of facing those fears? Face your own internal self talk. Maybe you don’t think you can handle hurt so you live in a bubble. Maybe you need to think about how you can handle hurt or stand up for yourself instead of being a victim. As the question, “because.” I’m afraid because… and if that happens, what does that mean? “It means… and if that happens, it means…” and so on. It’s a way of getting to the root issue of your story. Maybe the root of it is that you think you’re worthless. The Bible has more to say about fear than almost anything else. If we really do trust him, that he knows what he’s doing and will work it out for our good, for our maturity, (not necessarily our happiness or pleasure) then we don’t have to live in fear. How do you deal with the feelings and fears that come after experiencing something tragic?Your emotions aren’t the boss of you. You can get help and support. How can you learn to deal with it? How can you prepare yourself to accept that you will have to deal with it and come to a place of acceptance? You don’t have to lose your mind or sanity. One of the biggest ways to conquer fear is to walk toward what you fear. You can face the fears in your mind. If you know you can handle it and there will be resources for you, it’s still unpleasant and hard but knowing you will get through it makes the fear less powerful. Don’t transfer an old experience to the present. You aren’t the same person.  Where do people get support? Counseling and coaching support is available. Grief groups or other groups. The most important thing is to know you’re not alone. Being alone can lead to feelings of shame and depression. It doesn’t always have to be professional support. Peer to peer support is also a big help. Once you de-shame having problems it’s very empowering.  Pay attention to your thoughts. Psalm 55:2 My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught. If you struggle with anxiety. Philippians 4:6-8 Be anxious for nothing but in everything let your requests be made known to God and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind. And, later, Pau says, Whatsoever things are good and noble and true and just…let your mind dwell on these things. You don’t have to think negatively. You can change the channel in your mind. The Bible tells us to discipline ourselves when our mind is focusing on negative and worrisome things. Don’t feed your mind with worst-case scenarios. We have to say, “God, you are in control.”   How do you go about training yourself to think differently?Once you recognize what you’re thinking, that’s when you consciously change the channel. The first step is recognizing your thoughts. So focus on what’s good in your life. What can you be grateful for? Intentionally feed your mind different ways to look at your situation. There is more than one way to look at your situation. Believe that. Be very intentional when it comes to your thoughts and it will start to become more natural. God has wired our thoughts to affect your emotions. If they are impacting your emotions in a way that doesn’t match with reality, understand that your body is reacting as though your thoughts are reality. We are called to do this. “Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)  “Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” (Proverbs 4:23) You can deal with it. Or you can learn to deal with it. It may be hard. But you can do it. Emotions are our informers. They are not our deciders. Don't just work on your thinking. Work on your virtues as well. This will help you deal with those emotions.    Don’t forget to: Sign up for Leslie’s newsletter at www.leslievernick.comRegister for a free webinar on www.leslievernick.com/joinworkshopShare this episode!

In this episode Laura shares how she navigated her missionary husband's alcohol addiction and how it almost destroyed their marriage.

In this episode Leslie interview Darby Strickland, a faculty member and counselor with Christian counseling & educational foundation as well as the author of, “Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Abuse and Helping Victims.” 3:10 - What has been the hardest part of getting people to understand? Oppressors don’t often look like oppressors to the outside world. Their public face is often much different. They come from such a problem in their heart. Victims have a hard time believing their spouse’s heart is that commited to self vs. living for the Lord. They rationalize, wanting to believe the best about a person.   4:45 - How does a woman discern between a man who is an overzealous leader and a man who is truly an oppressor?   Even Jesus’ submission was willful. It wasn’t fear-based. Often a woman is afraid to disagree or have a different opinion. Her input is devalued.  This is complying, not submitting. It’s subjugation.    6:30 What do you say to a woman whose husband dismisses her by saying she’s being too sensitive?   Coercive control goes across all dimensions of relationship, not just physical. Journal. It may take up to 30 entries before you see a pattern in the stories. Then, see if those stories match up with what is in Darby’s or Leslie’s books. Or, find someone who is familiar with oppressive dynamics and can help you interpret those stories and see the pattern. Identifying the pattern is very important.   11:15 If a woman feels unheard and devalued and reduced to a role, what should she do?   Depending on the severity of the abuse, you could try having a “micro” conversation about a specific thing you’re noticing.  You can also begin to talk to someone else and get some validation to your story. Also, begin to work on the mindset that you have to diminish yourself in order to be submissive. As you begin to stand up to yourself, you will begin to shift the dynamics of the relationship. He will get more respectful or more abusive. If he gets more abusive, that’s a really good sign. Abort the conversation and get extra support.      16:15 What about the argument that women were made to be a helpmate? Being a godly wife does not mean simply serving your spouse. It’s okay for you to have your own personhood.  Don’t allow your husband to usurp God’s position in your life. Your primary purpose is to love and serve the Lord. That means loving your husband by confronting sin, reading scripture, loving your friends and neighbors, etc. When someone wants to put themselves as the center of your purpose, there’s a big problem. The Proverbs 31 woman had her own life and wasn’t micromanaged by her husband.    19:00 - What are signs a pre-marital counselor could see that a relationship might be destructive? Abuse, early on, doesn’t look like abuse. It can look like passion. Maybe one partner says, “I want to spend all my time with you.” They wouldn’t say they are wanting to isolate you from others. “I love you so much I can’t…”  Find out what happens in other moments of relationship. Separate each partner and ask… “Are you allowed to complain? Does he get upset when you’re sick and unable to be there for him? Does he talk about ex or mother in disparaging ways? Has he ever berated a waitress? What’s it like when you say ‘no’  to him?” If she hasn’t, she should try to say “no” to him or even ask him to do something for her and then see if he’s willing to meet her needs or accepts her “no.” Does he use the Bible to try and control?    Anytime someone uses scripture to condemn rather than convict it’s a huge red flag. If he is pushing engagement too fast, that’s a red flag. When the relationship feels too good to be true, it is.    25:30 What would a small group leader do who observes concerning behavior in a couple?    Pursue a friendship with that woman. It may be a while before she feels able to even identify what she’s experiencing as abuse. Encourage her to be able to speak without her husband’s permission in the group, etc. Make sure she feels valued by you and that it’s a safe relationship. Ask questions but don’t accuse. Always stay in a curious mode.    32:15 What if a pastor is uninterested or gives advice like, “Try not to upset him?”    First, be praying. Then, look for a counselor who understands oppressive marriages. There might be an elder or someone else in the church who would understand. Maybe you need to attend a Bible study, even at a different church where there are understanding people.  If you’re telling  your story and being dismissed and shut down and leaders are using the Bible to keep you stuck in a destructive situation, you really need to find other counsel.   RESOURCES: Article “How to Discern True Repentance when Serious Sin Has Occurred: www.leslievernick.com/repentanceChristian Counseling and Education Foundation: WWW.CCEF.ORGwww.leslievernick.com

In this episode Leslie shares seven fundamentals truths parents must teach their kids in order for them to be healthy and strong.   Chapter #1 1:45 It’s important that kids know they are loved unconditionally. Children need to know they matter and they are important. This gives them a secure base from which to flourish and grow. This is also their first taste of the love of God.  Admit and own when you make a mistake. This gives kids permission to not be a perfect kid, too.   Chapter #2 4:00 They need to know and be able to name their feelings, to put words into what’s happening inside of them.   Chapter #3 7:00 How to name your feelings - ask yourself “Is this upset feeling more of a sad, scared, or mad feeling?” Then ask, “Is it a little bit of that emotion, medium, or a lot?   Chapter #4 9:48 No matter how sad or angry they are, kids must learn there are limits to what they can do with those emotions.  Sometimes we need to help children face their feelings instead of coddling them into not feeling their feelings. They must learn how to control the expression of their emotions.   Chapter #5 13:50 Reality exists and they have to accept it. The more they deny reality the more pain exists. It can be as simple as accepting the fact that it’s bedtime or that they have to do their homework before watching video game.    Chapter #6 17:50 They need to begin taking responsibility for themselves. This starts at a young age with toilet training. It’s important not to overfunction for a child or teen. Failure can be an important teacher.    Chapter #7 22:10 - You must teach your children how to tell themselves the truth and how to live in the truth. We all lie to ourselves. “I can’t do that.” “It’s too hard.” “Nobody likes me.”    For more resources go to www.leslievernick.com

Karen's marriage lasted nearly 30 years. She and her husband were financially successful and both loved the Lord. In fact, her husband is the one who led Karen to Christ. But there was a dark side of anger and control that challenged everything she believed about marriage and divorce. A word of warning: there is some disturbing content in this episode. Karen's story, while difficult, is one of bravery and doing the right thing...not just for herself but for her children and even for her husband.

In this episode of Relationship Truth, Unfiltered, Leslie discusses why conflict doesn’t have to be a negative part of relationships. She’ll address some of the hard parts of disagreements and how to fight fair.    Chapter 1 (2:10): How do you keep conflict from escalating?   Talk first about how you can talk about a topic and have both people feel safe. Talk about the way you deal with problems so that issue can be dealt with first.    Chapter 2 (3:29) When do you stop talking about the past? It depends. If someone isn’t over the past then it’s time to ask curious  questions. “This is really bothering you and you keep bringing it up. What’s that about? I’m curious.”  You have to be committed to how you’re going to show up in a conflict. You can only keep your side of the street…you cannot control how they show up in a conflict. Decide to show up in a respectful, curious, and generous way. If you do this it can’t deteriorate because it takes two to deteriorate. If he chooses to be destructive then the conversation is over.    Chapter 3 (6:30) Questions to ask yourselves Have you ever had a time in your relationship where you worked on a problem in a positive way? What was it you did right? How did you work on it together? Learn from that.    Chapter 4: (7:50) How do you deal with someone who just doesn’t want to “give in?” What would be different if you just accepted this? For whatever reason he’s done being passive, being accommodating?  Accept his point of view and decide on how to solve the issue at hand.    Maybe, if it’s something that is just important to you, figure out how you can make it happen with a good spirit.    Chapter 5 (13:45) - What if you have someone who won’t deal with conflict and withdraws? There are people who are conflict avoidant, possibly because of their background and negative history of conflict.    Deal with that fact, first. Deal with how your relational history has been negative in this area. Ask how he would feel safe talking about this. There are many ways to create safety. As examples, you can set time limits or simply share points of view without trying to solve the problem first.    Chapter 6 (16:30) How do you keep to the topic? Know yourself and what you need out of the conversation. Be self-aware about how you deal with the topic and decide that you will not go off topic.  Again, you can only control you. But you can help your partner to know that you’ll keep to the topic and that will help create safety.    Chapter 7 (19:55) How do you handle when someone doesn’t follow through with promises? Be careful of the story you tell yourself. Instead, look for overall patterns. It’s tempting to tell yourself “he doesn’t care about me” when that may not be true at all. We have to be careful of the story you tell yourself when your husband isn’t reliable. You can, instead, ask a question… “I’ve noticed a pattern where you commit to things and don’t follow through. What’s that about?” Or, approach it by saying, “I know that you tend to make me happy by saying ‘yes’ in the moment. I’d really invite you to be honest with me. If you don’t want to do something, for whatever reason, tell me so we can figure out something you can follow through on.”    Chapter 8 (23:00) How do you deal with gaslighting?  Gaslighting is when someone distorts or lies about the truth with the goal of making you feel crazy or confused.  It’s important for you to decide “how do I want to show up for me?” If you’re starting to question your own mind, take notes. This helps you, at least, to know the reality. Also, look for the pattern…if this is happening a lot, you know gaslighting is going on.    Chapter 9 (27:58) How to handle yelling Most people, when they’re angry, have a change of voice tone. You want to be clear, with your tone, that you mean business. When you’re angry, tone and posture naturally changes.  What’s really important is the words. If you’re name calling and abusive speech, attacking, accusing, and reviling, that’s the problem, whether the words are being yelled or not.  You have to find your own boundary around this but you don’t have to be a willing victim.    Chapter 10 (31:00) Dealing with the passive aggressive person You can’t change someone else. Understand the limitations of a relationship when you’re dealing with someone who won’t look at himself (or herself). Growth in that type of relationship is impossible. In order to grow, you have to look at yourself, especially when you fail.    Maybe you can say, “I sense you’re trying to tell me you’re angry, in very soft ways. Do you want to talk about it?” You’re inviting them to grow and they get to decide.    Chapter 11 (33:53 ) When does conflict cross the line from normal marriage conflict to a destructive nature? Are there patterns of abuse, deceit, or indifference? Understand that God doesn’t expect you to be in a relationship who is out to destroy you.    Resources: www.leslievernick.com Bonus: Download 8 Steps to Resolving Conflict  https://www.leslievernick.com/pdfs/8-steps-to-resolving-conflict-FR.pdf