It is a virtually bottomless well of grievances from which the woke can draw sustenance. However, there is one clan of geeks. One fiefdom of nerds. One collective of dorks who have escaped the ire of the woke cancel squad…until now.

At the recent annual meeting of the organization of balding, ponytail-wearing incels, more commonly known as the Dungeons & Dragons Creator Summit, D&D lead rules designer Jeremy Crawford informed the fleshlight owning mass that: "Our team are game designers and storytellers, we’re not experts in culture and inclusion[…]So we’re focused on what damage should this creature do. That’s why everything goes through inclusion review now so everything in our game brings out delight. Even reprints are going through inclusion review. That’s why some older books are changing, too…" and one of those changes is "Frankly, we are not comfortable, and haven’t been for years with any of the options that start with ‘half’,[…]The half-construction is inherently racist so we simply aren’t going to include it in the new Player’s Handbook."

So, in support of my virgin brethren, I have developed an entirely new world of woke D&D characters who are sure to pass the magical censors. Join me for the great unveiling...

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