Parental Development

This episode talks through ways to help your kid with social interactions, coach them on how to be a good friend, and teach them how they should be treated in relationships.As always, validate their feelings about their peers, even if it's unkind or inappropriate. Give them space to share their experiences, questions, and relationships. It's important to help kids take the perspective of others, which can develop new ways of dealing with social problems. Avoid giving directives for how a problem should be solved and instead help them think through situations and develop solutions on their own.Our behavior impacts others, but we are not responsible for other people's reactions or feelings. This can lead to people pleasing and an inability to put your own needs ahead of those around you.Never never bad mouth your kid's friends. Attempting to control our kids'friendships doesn't teach them how to navigate all the social problems and learn new ways of interacting.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations.In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a WON'T do. This helps me view them in a more loving, compassionate way, as opposed to simply getting frustrated about their behavior. We just CHOOSE to assume positive intent. This allows us to enjoy our kids as opposed to always being upset or believing such negative things about them and their behavior. It prevents us from having to chase their behavior and just look for ways to correct them on a regular basis. If you have a behavior you're trying to change or an issue you want to address, it is almost always helpful to include your child in this discussion and planning. You can communicate what you want to do and let them give ideas or communicate their thoughts and feelings about how things might be going. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, more than simply, 'because I said so.'Is there ever a time when digging in our heels to address a behavior is appropriate? For us, that is usually only appropriate if there's a safety issue. If you as the parent are digging in on other behaviors, that is almost always your stuff, your work to do, and your own history coming up within your relationship with your kids.  Our kids are not responsible for our stuff or our work, and responding to them in ways that are out of proportion with behavior and issues, is not theirs to take. This is what breaking generational cycles is really about.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens.Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting.If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and that all behavior makes sense, then it's impossible to truly expect "good" behavior all the time. It is necessary to lower expectations if we truly believe they are always doing the best they can.Many times parents shift the way we're practicing parenting (gentle, conscious, respectful, etc.) but we haven't shifted expectations at the same time, which makes it hard to make those two line up, and can lead to more difficulties feeling good about this approach and staying in the new kind of interventions.Sometimes we come up with reasons for requiring kids to live up to our expectations when really it's more that we just want them to do what we say or think they should do. Our kids will tell us, with their behavior, about the expectations we have for them. It's on us to listen to them, get curious about their behavior, and try to determine why they might be struggling consistently to meet certain expectations or follow through with certain tasks. Bottom line: an expectation is unrealistic if their behavior tells us they can't do it.Becasue we drop the expectations, it allows us to stop chasing behaviors, because we no longer expect near perfection from our kids and can instead become more of a coach and supporter as opposed to a task driver.Instead of identifying expectations, which are usually an either/or situation, what if we looked at this as goals, which is something we work towards together. As long as we have expectations for other people's behaivor will always leave you feeling disappointed.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Neurons that fire together, wire together. It's important that the information we learn is cemented into our neural pathways so we can access it, even during times of stress. This episode talks through the neuroscience and how to strengthen our pathways in this way.In times of stress, we go back to what we know. When stressed, your brain's only goal is to keep you safe and try to survive. We don't have additional energy to try new things, remember novel information, or learn something different. What always feels safest to us is being in control. That usually means punishment, yelling, manipulation, and coercion. There's such a misunderstanding of power and control, and we often think that if we allow our kids to have control, that means they take ours or we don't have it anymore. This graphic gives a good illustration of a new concept in this understanding.The need for control shifts from needing to control my kids to needing to control myself. To strengthen our neural pathways:1. Choose one behavior 2. Think about it, plan it out in your mind, rehearse a different response, read about it, listen to podasts3. Put it into practiceOver time, those different neural pathways will start to take over the old ones and make it easier to feel good about the changes we're making and give us a new foundation to build on and add other behaviors.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We all talk about needing to connect with our kids, but often seem to misunderstand what that means or how to do that in more challenging situations or difficult emotions. This episode talks through ways to dip a toe in their emotions while also pulling them back with us into their window of tolerance.See Me: really seeing what they're doing, showing interest; imitating play with younger kidsHear Me: actively listening, listening without correction or judgment; giving space for real conversationFeel Me: Joining the feeling, no matter what it is; attune to emotions without letting them take you overTo truly pull our kids out of negative emotions or behaviors we have to join them where they are, with a toe in our own regulation, and bring them back with us into our window of tolerance. They can't regulate their emotions just by us telling, punishing, or shaming them into calm.Regulated does not equal calm!Different kids have different connection needs. Some need BIG (play, dance, excitement) while others needs small (physical touch, snuggling, calm).Most of the negative behaviors of our kids is a result of seeking connection or feeling disconnected from their adults. This is why we want to always ask ourselves, "Is this giving them the connection they need? And are there other ways I can give them connection that are more positive, healthy, and safe?"Some ideas of activities that can promote connection:Nightly meetingsBoard GamesDance partiesNerf gun battlesPhysical touchNotes in lunch boxesPlaySubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

So many of our kids have fears that are unrealistic and illogical, leaving us so confused as to how to respond, help support them, but move them past their fears in a clear way. This episode talks about all of this, and gives some other information or options to help navigate these issues.Our kids' fears should be validated, without trying to talk them out of their fear or convince them that what they're scared of isn't truly scary.Is fear the way kids have learned to get our attention, connection, or attunement? If so, we may need to look at our response as adults to make sure we're not contributing to the fear in some way.Our kids' fears are often not logical, so we can't make them go away by using logic and reasoning or sharing information.Play is how kids process and learn and can be a great tool for us to help them work through things that are hard.The goal is never to make fear go away, but instead to help kids learn the difference between productive fear that keeps us safe and fear that keeps us stuck.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

It's not just sex. It's boundaries, reproduction, puberty, and yes, sex. These conversations are hard for most parents, and we're talking about it all!Viewing hard topics through our adult eyes can lead us to oversexualize information, when kids do not assign it that meaning at all.If your kids are asking questions, they need information. Avoid saying, 'you're too young for that,' 'we don't talk about that,' 'you don't need to know that,' or anything similar. Those responses don't make their questions go away, they just let them know that you, as their adult, are not the place they can go to get the answers.Many of us have been taught that giving information steals their innocence, actually increases the likelihood of the behavior, etc. There is no evidence that this actually works this way, but is often used as an excuse so we don't have to have hard conversations. Information should never scare us, especially when it's coming from us. Having all the information is the only way our kids can learn to make good decisions and choices and think through their own thoughts and feelings around all kinds of topics. #1 goal: First, cause no shame! If this is the best we can do surrounding these topics, then we're already making progress and breaking cycles. If you're looking for resources around this topic, here's a book for boys, and one for girls. We also recommend this Instagram account, with really great information and courses. For younger kids, here's  a great book about touch that can be a great way to start these kinds of conversations.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This week's episode talks about how to manage bringing a new baby home when you have other kids. This is always tricky, but we have some suggestions and thoughts about other possibilities to make this a little easier.If you have very young children, even after being prepared, cannot truly understand what having a new baby means or how it's going to impact them and their routine or relationships.Ideas:1. Prepare them as much as possible2. Get them a gift from their new sibling3. Be honest 4. Maintain routine 5. Create baby free zones6. Involve them in the baby's careEVERYTHING changes when we bring a new baby home, so we should expect their older siblings to really struggleYou may see a change in behavior for your older kids as the demands of your new baby change.You can try to structure your time and routine in a way that allows you to have special time with your older child.Jealousy and sadness about having a new baby in the home almost always come out as negative behaviors.Regressive behaviors are extremely common because we've taught them that's how you get attention and nurturance. These behaviors are completely appropriate and don't need to be stopped or shamed at all.1. Baby talk2. Wanting to drink out of a bottle3. Want to have a pacifier4. Want to sleep in your roomAggression towards the new baby is extremely normal and not a sign of a significant character flaw.  They do not see babies as the most protected class or that they are somehow special and are simply trying to communicate their sadness and upset that their world has changed.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode answers more listener questions, covering all kinds of topics.When thinking about how to help our kids manage negative behaviors, there is an approach (The Nurtured Heart) that suggests that kids require different levels of energy from us, even when we're praising and validating them. You can here more about this idea in this podcast episode or this book.The goal in responding to our kids' big emtions is not to make all negative emotions go away. There is growth and power in experiencing hard things and emotions and learning how to survive it and come out of it.  Sometimes the only way to do this is to stay with them and let them move through it. Just because negative behaviors are continuing, it doesn't mean your parenting approach 'isn't working' or is wrong. Just like we expect kids to struggle over time to learn to read, swim, walk, etc. we expect them to struggle to learn new ways to manage themselves over time. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

The whole concept of this type of parenting is staying aware of our reactions as parents and having some insight into where those reactions come from and how we can make changes to respond to our kids in more healthy, respectful ways. This episode covers a specific example of how Leah is doing that work for herself with her son, and provides some ideas for ways to engage in our own healing work that can, in turn, change the trajectory of our children and our relationship with them.We all want our kids to be successful, which often has components of academics, finances, careers, etc. It's important for us to pay attention to the messages we got about success and how we're using those messages to put pressure on our kids, even if we don't mean to. When our kids have negative views about themselves, it can be hard to validate their feelings without confirming their beliefs or contributing further to a lack of self-esteem. When our response to our kids changes, it is usually a result of our own triggers and childhood messages, and something we need to pay attention to.It is not the responsibility of our kids to pay the price for our childhood messages, triggers, or trauma. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We're back! After taking a much needed break, we're back to discuss one of the most common diagnoses for kids: ADHD.There has been a significant increase in the number of ADHD diagnoses over the last 5-10 years, leading us to question: Is it really increasing? Are we getting better at diagnosing? Is there increased awareness? Are we overdiagnosing?There is an increased awareness that ADHD-like symptoms are often the result of a disrupted attachment, largely due to the brain changes that happen when kids are faced with adverse experiences.Ultimately, we still want to teach our kids skills and how to manage their difficulties more effectively. Many times, the things we medicate, diagnose, or address are those things that frustrate us as parents.If you're looking for alternatives prior to, or in addition to medication to manage ADHD symptoms, here are some ideas:planners/calendarsremindersrecording lecturesallow use of notes on testsextra time for tests/quizzesvisual schedules/reminderssit at front of classnoise cancelling headphones listening to musicsingle step directionsSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This week goes over all the common holiday issues we often face with our kids, including unwanted touch, food, getting gifts, and boundaries!Overall, let's lower our expectations - our kids are going to be a disaster. Give them (and yourself) grace!I care more about my relationship with my kids and what they think about me than family members I see a couple times a year.Kids should be in charge of their own bodies!If adults get their feelings hurt because a small child doesn't want to hug/kiss them, that says more about that adult than it does about the child. It's not a child's responsibility to make sure the adults around them are comfortable and happy. If you need help with this, try:1. Develop a plan with your kids beforehand2. Carry your kids if they're small3. Keep them close to run interference4. Respond for them ("she doesn't want a hug right now")5. Offer an alternative (fist bump/high five) Do not touch a child who does not want to be touched!If you're concerned about your kids opening gifts they won't like or not responding in the best way, here are some suggestions:1. Prep them for gifts and ways they can respond honestly and appropriately2. Speak for them if they're having a hard time3. Ask if you can take the gifts and open them at homeIf you're giving a gift simply for the reaction and praise/acknowledgement from someone, then that's not really a gift.A couple thoughts about food:1. Don't comment on how much or how little they're eating2. Let them eat everything in whatever order they choose; no dessert only if you eat what's on your plate3. Use natural consequence and prompt them to listen to their bodies4. Be prepared for them to only eat rollsIf you feel like you need to set boundaries with family members for the holidays:1. Understand your boundaries are important and valid 2. Prep family members and what your boundaries are and what your response will be if they're not honored3. HoldSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

My kid won't stop climbing everything!!! This week talks about a common issue parents face, particularly with young kids, but gives a different perspective on what might be driving this behavior in our littles.What in the Week - while we want our kids to understand how their behavior impacts others, it's also important to help them understand that they are not responsible for the reactions and feelings of other people.When all we do is chase the behavior of our kids instead of trying to understand the 'why,' we miss key opportunities to teach what to do when they feel similar ways in the future.Now on to climbing.....a lot of the boundaries we put in place as parents use safety as the justification. The truth is, though, that our kids are usually appropriately exploring their environment, and our anxiety as adults convinces us they're unsafe, so we intervene. Climbing is a very normal, typical part of development and kids climb for different reasons:1. They're exploring their environment2. It uses different muscle groups3. It helps develop their sensory systems4. It helps regulate themInstinctually, kids know how to trust themselves, and their bodies send them signals when they are reaching their limits of exploration. Their bodies are designed to protect them, above all else.  By overcommunicating our fear as adults, we don't allow them to listen to their bodies in this area, stunting the development of their understanding of themselves.Our kids are much more likely to hurt themselves in more day to day activities. This source lists these activities:Rollerblading or skateboardingPlaying on a playgroundTrampoline useBicyclingHandballIce skatingBecause climbing helps develop our proprioceptive and vestibular systems, it can also be regulatory for kids who need this type of sensory input. It's important to always look for the reason behind the behavior, and look for ways to meet their need in a more appropriate way, as opposed to simply try to make the behavior/need go away.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This week's episode talks through ways parents use dishonesty and threats to manipulate the behavior of their kids. In this week's 'What in the Week,' we again talk through ways to hold boundaries for our kids while being gentle and validating the feelings and reactions to our kids. There's a difference in trying to manage how our kids feel about boundaries and managing their behavior. Gentle parenting does not allow kids to do whatever they want. It DOES allow kids to have whatever reaction and feeling they want.For some reason, we feel validated in our dishonesty with our kids if it's meant to change their behavior, while also being incensed if our kids lie to us or use dishonest means to get their way or what they want.If you try to impose a boundary you can't enforce, by definition you are practicing permissive parenting. It's also not healthy to use the threat of loss of relationship to manipulate the behavior or kids.Ultimately, I am not trying to raise well behaved kids, I'm trying to raise healthy adults. If we protect our kids so much from making mistakes and messing up, we also insulate them from resiliency, problem solving, critical thinking, and repair. Eventually our kids are going to make mistakes, and we believe if they can do that in small ways while they have the support of their family and support system, their prognosis will be much better.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

On this episode, we have our very first guest: Leah's 9 year old son, Lincoln! He shares his unique perspective on ways grown ups can help our kids manage emotions and learn ways to handle stress.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

Many parents use their relationship as a bargaining chip and tool to manage their kids' behavior, which can be problematic. This episode talks through this strategy  and some of the unintended consequences that might come as a result, and gives alternative ways to prioritize our relationship with our kids.Often because we recognize how important attachment is for our kids, we then turn around and use that same attachment as a way to try to change kids' behavior and 'teach them a lesson.' This type of approach makes it almost impossible to feel safe and secure in relationships, which we know is required for kids to behave well and manage their emotions and behaviors.Attempting to manipulate kids' behaivor by withholding love and connection can send really dangerous messages, that our relationship with them is dependent on their behavior, and if they don't meet our requirements, we'll withhold the very thing they so desperately crave.Research is incredibly clear that kids learn through experiences as opposed to words. Connection, regulation, safety, and security cannot be taught and truly believed if we simply tell our kids about those concepts. They have to EXPERIENCE connection, safety, regulation, and security with us in order to believe that those concepts are true and can be trusted. Relationship is ALWAYS the solution, not a tool to use to manipulate behavior.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

This episode is tough, but important. After a local completed suicide by a teenager, we wanted to talk about lessons learned and ways to protect our kids as much as possible.All of this information illustrates clearly the importance of starting to have hard conversations with your kids from an early age. The teenagers I talked to talked about how bad their mental health is and how their parents respond to them whenever they talk about their struggles. Overall, teenagers feel invalidated and unsupported by the adults around them and don't have an outlet to actually communicate their thoughts and feelings.Teenagers are supposed to be selfish and self-centered and their struggles are always going to feel like it's the worst.  Even if we as parents don't understand or believe what they're going through is hard or legitimate, we can respond with validation and support. If you have a difficult relationship with your teenager, it's really hard for them to take you seriously and trust you when you act differently only when there's some kind of emergency or crisis.  It's our responsibility as parents to make sure we're meeting our kids' attention and connection needs in healthy, safe ways, to hopefully minimize the need for them to get that in a more negative way.The big things have to be ok with us as parents, and that starts when the "big" thing is that someone wouldn't sit beside them at lunch or their Pokemon cards. Everything is important to them and it's supposed to be, and it's crucial that what's important to them is important to me, always. If we only respond when what they're talking about reaches a level that we deem important as adults, we teach them we don't care about the other stuff. It's important we're starting to have conversations with our kids, even when they're uncomfortable. We give some thoughts about how those conversations can go and how you can talk to your kids, without giving them all the details and information, and protecting them as much as possible. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

We're back! We took a brief hiatus because of stuff going on in our lives, but we're excited to have a conversation about boundaries!!Some people who don't understand this type of parenting believe there are no boundaries for our kids, and even parents who do parent this way struggle to know how to hold a boundary in a safe, connected, supportive way. If we can start to expect that our kids will have a negative reaction to the boundary, it can make it easier to respond with respect and connection as opposed to anger and coercion. Just expect your kids to hate the boundaries!Parents often struggle to hold boundaries when:1. We want to avoid their negative reactions2. We don't have the energy3. Their feelings are too much for us to handleAll of these reasons are valid and important to recognize and understand, because moving boundaries due to negative behavior is permissive parenting, and can be really detrimental to our relationship with our kids and makes it hard for them to know how to comply with expectations.Our homes should be different than the rest of the world, and we don't accept that we have to mistreat our kids to prepare them for the worst of the world.  It's like people need to be toughened up so they know how to be mistreated better. Instead we want kids to know how to advocate for themselves, end relationships with people who mistreat them, etc. It is not our child's job to figure out how to not trigger you. It is your job to figure out how to not be triggered. Being triggered is our work to do and important that we learn how to respond to our kids even when we're triggered. There truly are ways to hold boundaries with empathy and validation, and that is really important as our kids age.Allowing and expecting our kids to have reactions to our boundaries teaches our kids that their thoughts and feelings matter, and helps them learn ways to disagree respectfully, resolve conflict, share their opinions, etc. Check out this post that gives great insight into what our kids think about our interactions with them. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

In this episode, Leah finishes explaining Polyvagal Theory, and how the ladder helps us understand the state we and our kids are in - Safe and Connected, Fight or Flight, or Collapse/Shut down. The sisters talk about the importance of us staying in "Safe and Connected" so we can bring our kids with us, into the only state where they can actually hear us, listen to us, follow directions, and solve problems. We must pay attention to and insert cues of safety for our kids, such as tone of voice, posture, and facial expressions.It's important  that we remain a safe place for our kids, so we can hear the "stories" they tell themselves so we can correct them, validate them, and help them problem solve situations that are uncomfortable or difficult. As parents, we have to remain curious to uncover what their behavior is actually trying to communicate, and trust that if it doesn't make sense, their nervous system is doing what it thinks is best to keep them safe.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagramSubscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram

In this episode Leah really nerds out on the neuroscience associated with this type of parenting - did you know we have more than 5 senses?!   She discusses several different theories and research, including the science of interoception, Allan Schore's paper on regulation and attachment, and Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory. While this information may be difficult to take in and fully understand, it also supports many of the ideas and interventions associated with parenting our kids from this perspective.We want our kids to feel safe and connected, recognizing that the concept of neuroception means we're constantly scanning for danger. As parents, we don't want to be a sign of danger or feeling unsafe, requiring us to look at our response to our kids differently.Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple,  or wherever you listen to podcasts!We're planning a Q&A episode!! Send us your questions to info@parentaldevelopment.com!!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!!FacebookInstagram